Do you ever screw up? Do something that you regret later? Maybe someone gets hurt or you just feel stupid for your choices. I’ve done it, so many times, and letting go and forgiving myself is never easy.
I’ve been talking about overcoming doubt and being thankful. I feel like all these topics go together because they remind us that what we want isn’t always easy, or good for us.
I started this series talking about my weight and how I wish I could lose weight. When a friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer and died seventeen months later, I made the decision to get healthier for my kids. I did it, too. I dropped 3-4 sizes, I felt so much better, and I lost 40 pounds. Then I was diagnosed with cancer, moved 800 miles, and had my life turned upside down. In six months, I gained back almost all the weight I’d lost, beat cancer, and felt both better and worse. Since the cancer I had was centered around my airways, I could breathe much better, but the weight I gained offset some of that benefit. Now, three years later, I’m still at that increased weight. And I effing hate it.
But I have to remind myself that I’m here. I have another chance to fight and get better. I went to the oncologist last week and my scans are still clean, three years post treatment. I can fight my weight instead of my cancer. I can lose that weight again, and I’m thankful for that opportunity.
It still makes me mad that I let myself gain the weight back. Everyone around me blames the steroids I was on and the poor eating habits I picked up during chemo, when I could only stomach grilled cheese for three days and increased my calorie intake to keep my stomach settled. It doesn’t matter why I gained weight again, I need to find a way to get rid of it. For good this time.
The hardest part of all of it for me is letting go of what I should have done. As a writer, I write about everything. I write my frustrations, what I wish I’d done differently, how I feel. Some people talk it out, with a friend or alone. Maybe you should visualize it, or act it out, or make models like Steve Carell’s character in Welcome to Marwen. Nothing is off limits when it comes to forgiveness — for yourself and others.
How do you move on and forgive yourself?
When you doubt yourself, who do you trust?
Life was hard enough. Normal was a fallacy. There were bad guys everywhere. But he couldn’t sit back and let her deal with it. He had to face his demons to fight hers. He had to give everything he had to her to keep her safe. His heart wasn’t a part of the bargain, but he handed it over anyway.
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