I’d like to think we all have moments of doubt. Those times in our lives when we’re really not sure things are going to work out. Days when what you want seems so out of reach that you wonder how you’ll ever get there. Maybe you will, and maybe you won’t, but how do you know when to give up and when to fight with everything you have?
I’ve had a lifelong struggle with losing weight. I know a lot of people who’ve had the same, so chances are you understand this, even if it’s from watching a friend or relative. When I was young, I knew I was bigger than the other girls, but I didn’t realize what this meant until later. I got my period before all my friends, I had boobs before all of them, and I got hit on by older men before all of them. None of those were good things in my young world.
I was a soccer player all through high school, so I was active. I was also the slowest one on the team. And when soccer season was over, I hung up my cleats and picked up a book. I look back now and wonder why I thought I was fat, but in the moment you don’t have that perspective. You compare yourself to everyone around you and most of us find ourselves wanting.
I’m staring down 40 now. Everyone who’s crossed that threshold has told me losing weight is so much harder after hitting that magic number. As of today, I have less than 18 months before I get there. I also have about 100 pounds I’d like to lose in order to be considered healthy for my height.
Here’s the rub… I lost half that. I was 50+ pounds lighter just three years ago. Then cancer happened and steroids and chemo and poor eating habits because when you feel like shit, you eat whatever sounds good, even if it’s grilled cheese for three days straight. I gained back all that weight I lost, and losing it all again is really damn hard.
So I doubt. I wonder if I’ll ever do it. I lost the weight the first time over three years. I don’t have three years until that magic number. Will I be able to lose weight after I turn 40? Will I gain it back if I do lose it? Will I ever make it to the weight I want to be, the weight that means my knees won’t ache when I climb stairs in the winter and my feet won’t protest when I’m on them too long?
I don’t know. I won’t know until I lose the weight and find out. I felt better 50 pounds ago, so even though I have my doubts, I’m ready. I’m ready to tell my doubts to shut the hell up and let me live. I’m going to fight – myself, my crappy eating habits, that Reese’s cup on my desk that’s been staring at me for days. I refuse to give up, because I’m here. I know it isn’t going to be easy, but let’s be honest: nothing is easy. Some things are easier than others, but nothing is easy. I’m ready to tell my doubts to go away and let me have my faith. That’s what I need right now.
Faith.
How do you overcome moments of doubt?
When you doubt yourself, who do you trust?
Why would anyone follow her? She wasn’t the kind of woman who inspired 1000 ships. Hell, she got dumped for being fat. There was no way she actually had a stalker. But he believed her. He never once questioned her. And that was scarier than a stalker.
