Mary E Thompson

it's a curvy road to happily ever after

Relationships

Best Free Gifts for Valentine’s Day

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This May will be my 15th anniversary. My husband and I have been together almost 17 years. And in all that time, I don’t think we’ve ever exchanged gifts for Valentine’s Day.

Some people would be pissed, but for us, it wasn’t that big of a deal. We also don’t do much for each other for Christmas or our birthdays. And that’s okay with us because we get each other little things through the year. Like the ice cream (my favorite) he bought me and hid in the freezer without telling me it was there. Or when he got me candy because he was thinking of me. Or when he picked up a book he knew I wanted.

Some of the best gifts don’t cost us anything. Those gifts are the ones that I love the most. The ones that come every day or once in a while, but that mean the most.

My Five Favorite Free Gifts

Say I love you. This is definitely my favorite, but it doesn’t take anything to do. We say it many times a day, but when it comes with a kiss and a hug and a moment for just the two of us, it’s a little extra special. And it’s nice to hear, even if it hasn’t been that long.

Share some adult time. Let’s be honest, men have a tendency to think with a certain part of their anatomy. Haven’t you heard they think about sex ten times a minute? Or something like that. If he’s thinking about it all the time, then he probably wants it. Put the kids to bed a little early and close (and lock) the bedroom door and have a little alone time. You’ll both enjoy it!

Cook dinner together. I don’t like to cook. I never have. Hubby is the cook in our house. He loves it, and that makes me happy. But the nights he’s cooking and in the kitchen for a while, I like to help him, or just stand there and talk to him. We put on a movie for the kids (especially if we’re having pancakes for dinner) and let them watch while we get a little while to talk and laugh and cook dinner together. Those are my favorite nights.

Make him something. When my kids have birthday parties, most of the time, they make a card for their friends. My son draws a picture of the recipient and wishes them a happy birthday. My daughter tends to cover hers with stickers. But when their friends get a card that was handmade and one of a kind, it’s special. Why not do that for him (or her)? Make him a card or coupons for future favors or write him a letter telling him all the things you love about him. Hell, if you’re an artist, paint him a picture or knit him some socks. The possibilities are endless, and it’ll mean more knowing you did something special just for him.

Watch a movie together. Maybe that’s not such a big deal, but it’s a Thursday night. You probably work tomorrow, so cuddling on the couch might not be something you do every Thursday. Pick out a movie neither of you have seen and curl up together to watch it.

None of this is groundbreaking, but that’s why it’s so special. These are things you can do every day to tell him you love him. And hopefully he’ll return the favor and do some of these things for you, too!

How are you spending Valentine’s Day?

Forgiving Ourselves

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Do you ever screw up? Do something that you regret later? Maybe someone gets hurt or you just feel stupid for your choices. I’ve done it, so many times, and letting go and forgiving myself is never easy. 

I’ve been talking about overcoming doubt and being thankful. I feel like all these topics go together because they remind us that what we want isn’t always easy, or good for us. 

I started this series talking about my weight and how I wish I could lose weight. When a friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer and died seventeen months later, I made the decision to get healthier for my kids. I did it, too. I dropped 3-4 sizes, I felt so much better, and I lost 40 pounds. Then I was diagnosed with cancer, moved 800 miles, and had my life turned upside down. In six months, I gained back almost all the weight I’d lost, beat cancer, and felt both better and worse. Since the cancer I had was centered around my airways, I could breathe much better, but the weight I gained offset some of that benefit. Now, three years later, I’m still at that increased weight. And I effing hate it. 

But I have to remind myself that I’m here. I have another chance to fight and get better. I went to the oncologist last week and my scans are still clean, three years post treatment. I can fight my weight instead of my cancer. I can lose that weight again, and I’m thankful for that opportunity. 

It still makes me mad that I let myself gain the weight back. Everyone around me blames the steroids I was on and the poor eating habits I picked up during chemo, when I could only stomach grilled cheese for three days and increased my calorie intake to keep my stomach settled. It doesn’t matter why I gained weight again, I need to find a way to get rid of it. For good this time. 

The hardest part of all of it for me is letting go of what I should have done. As a writer, I write about everything. I write my frustrations, what I wish I’d done differently, how I feel. Some people talk it out, with a friend or alone. Maybe you should visualize it, or act it out, or make models like Steve Carell’s character in Welcome to Marwen. Nothing is off limits when it comes to forgiveness — for yourself and others. 

How do you move on and forgive yourself?

When you doubt yourself, who do you trust? 

Forgotten (F-BOMB series)

Life was hard enough. Normal was a fallacy. There were bad guys everywhere. But he couldn’t sit back and let her deal with it. He had to face his demons to fight hers. He had to give everything he had to her to keep her safe. His heart wasn’t a part of the bargain, but he handed it over anyway. 

Available now!

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Being thankful for what we have

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Last week was thanksgiving in the US. It’s a time of year when everyone is celebrating all the things they’re thankful for. Their blessings, their treasures, the people in their lives that make it better. Why do we wait until one day, or one month, to talk about these things?

I wrote last time about moments of doubt and how they challenge us and try to convince us to stay put when we want to move. I feel being thankful for what we have does the opposite. Being thankful gives us hope. It shows us a better way. It tells us it’s worth it. We need that all the time!

I don’t always appreciate the things I have. I bitch about my home and argue with my kids. I complain about my car and my health and my weight. I wish I could blink and change so many things in my life. But if I take a step back and actually look at my life, I have it pretty damn good.

I have a home. It might not be my perfect dream home, but I’m warm in the 30 degree weather, safe, and can provide for my family.

I have a family. I’m not alone like so many people are. I have a husband who loves me, two amazing kids, parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins, nieces, and a nephew, and so many more.

I have friends. My two closest friends don’t live near me, but I have friends. Amazing friends.

I’m healthy. Yes, that’s always up for debate, but I go to the gym, I have plenty to eat, and with any luck, next Friday I’ll find out I’m still in remission.

I have a job I love. So many people can’t say that, but I can. I love it. Yes, it has its challenges, but I love it.

How many people around the world can count all these things? How many people are content? Yes, there are things I want to change, and I added qualifiers to every single thing I’m thankful for, but I’m still thankful for them. My life could be a lot worse. It has been. When I was single and never thought I’d find love. When I was trying to get pregnant and never thought I’d have kids. When I was going through chemo and never thought I’d see my kids grow up. When I was in a job that was killing me and never thought I’d get out. When I moved to a new city and never thought I’d make friends.

Life is hard. No one is going to tell you it’s easy. And if they do, chances are they’re holding back. Because nothing is easy, but it’s so damn worth it. And all your blessings prove that to you every day.

Never give up on your dreams. Be thankful for how far you’ve come, and keep pushing toward that next dream.

What are you thankful for?

 

When you doubt yourself, who do you trust? 

She was alone. She liked it that way, because it meant she wouldn’t get hurt again. But he pushed past her walls and changed everything. He made her see herself the way he saw her. And she knew she’d never love again like she loved him. 

Available now!

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Chasing Your Dreams

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Do you have a dream? I hope so! I have lots of dreams. Seeing my kids grow up, growing old with my husband, building our house, seeing my books in an airport, being out of debt… The list goes on.

Dreams are very personal.

I said last time that no one will ever make my dreams come true. I know it’s all up to me to see my dreams go from something in my head to something in my world. But getting there isn’t always the easiest thing to do.

Be Clear

What is your dream? You have one, but what are the details? I want to see my kids grow up. In my life, that’s the biggest goal I have. I know there are some things I can’t control around that, but there’s a lot that I can. Being healthy is the biggest part of that. As a cancer patient, my health is something I have to stay on top of. That means listening to what my body is telling me, going to the gym, and eating healthy. None of that is easy, but I’m doing it for a very good reason, so I suck it up.

Be Focused

Not all dreams come true quickly. In fact, most don’t. The one dream that has been the hardest for me to wait for has been the dream of building our new house. I don’t talk about it much, but we’ve been planning to build a house since we moved to Buffalo three and a half years ago. It hasn’t always been easy to wait and stay focused on our dream of building our house one day. It’s easy to spend money on anything and everything instead of saving it for our house, but we’ve started to get focused lately. I have the floor plan of the house as the screen saver on my phone. Hubby has our property as the background on his. We save money automatically so it’s not something we have to think about. And we drive by our lot regularly to picture what it will be like to pull into the driveway. It’s been a long road, but we’re ready!

Be Confident

No one will make your dreams come true for you. It’s something I say a lot (if you haven’t noticed), but it’s something that’s hard to remember when the haters come out. Whether your dream is something small or something big, you’re going to find people who don’t think you can do it. I’m not trashing your friends and family when I say this, but if they don’t think you can do it, it’s probably because they couldn’t. Because of that, don’t talk to those people about your dreams! I know that’s hard, especially if your biggest naysayers are people you’re close to, but it’ll make it easier for you to keep the faith that you can make your dreams come true. You can do this, no matter how many people tell you you can’t. Keep going. Never give up.

 

Chasing your dreams isn’t easy. It isn’t quick. It isn’t always fun when you have to sacrifice. But when it comes true, you’ll forget how hard it was and be happy you finally made it work!

What dream are you chasing?

 

How do you say no to the one thing you’ve searched for your whole life? 

He lived a lifetime before he met her. She was young, sweet, innocent. And she was everything. She was the dream he never knew he wanted, and the fantasy he never dared to have.

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Finding Yourself

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When I was a senior in high school, I thought I had the world figured out. Didn’t we all? We were adults, brand new adults with freedoms we’d never known before. Of course that meant we knew everything!

Not so much.

What has amazed me since then is how many major life decisions we’re required to make when we’re so painfully ill-equipped to make them. Pick a major, decide where to live, choose your career, rent or buy a home, start a retirement account, etc. I could go on, but you get the point.

All those choices are things I look back on now and wish I’d done something different. But every single one of them helped me to find my true self. Without the mistakes in my past, I never would have learned who I really am. My life would have taken different turns, and I don’t believe in regretting my past. I can’t change it, and I love the life I have, so why wish it were different.

Although not going into debt would have been nice.

For every decision we make, we can learn something. We should learn something. Sometimes those life lessons teach us about the world, something about our close family and friends, and almost always they teach us about ourselves. Those are the best lessons.

What You Believe

When we’re young, we’re told what to believe. We go to church with our parents (or not), we follow their rules. We listen to our teachers and other adults around us. But once we grow up, we have to take all that information and start to form our own beliefs about the world.

As a kid, everything is black and white. It’s either right or wrong, and your parents and teachers tell you which is which. But as an adult, we have to make those own determinations. We learn that life is really more shades of gray than black or white. Every choice we make has multiple consequences. Nothing is easy like when we were simple. You will argue with the people closest to you about things you never thought mattered, but all of a sudden they do.

One of the first things you learn when you find yourself is what you believe. What make you want to stand up and shout? What makes you angry? What hurts you? Then you have to figure out how to handle all that.

What You Do

I’m a timid person. I don’t like confrontation. I shy away from conflict. I avoid people who are argumentative. It all makes me uncomfortable. I envy people who can articulate their thoughts and feelings well. I have to feel prepared. If I know what I’m going to say, or am passionate about something, I have no problem standing up for things. But as a general rule, I avoid it.

I wish I could be more vocal. I wish I could stand up more. When I feel I’m unprepared for an argument, I walk away. It’s rare that I will challenge someone.

But I can write. If you give me time to process, time to think, and time to frame a response, I’m there. It’s my personality that I don’t like in-person conflict, but I like to think I’m not going to back down. I just need time. I know what I believe, and I know how to handle confrontation my way. And it took me a long time to be okay with that, but it’s all part of who I am.

Who You Are

We are all special snowflakes. Each of us has a passion, or a few, a belief system, a personality profile, etc. Each of us is made up of complex experiences, painful and thrilling, that have helped form us. We all have thoughts and emotions and ideas that are truly unique. And all that comes together to form us.

If you have siblings, you know that you can experience the same things as someone else and have completely different reactions to it. We all handle events differently. And that’s a good thing. The person you are helps you make the choices you have to make in your life. You will be the one who decides if you buy the new house or rent an apartment for a few more years. You will decide if you go to college or start working immediately. You will decide if your dreams come true or not.

Years ago, my husband and I were looking at building a new house. We loved the house and were ready to move from our townhouse since we were about to start our family. There were tons of options out there that we could have bought, but we wanted that one. A friend questioned me about it, and I told her no one would make my dreams come true for me. I still remember that moment because it was one that reminded me who I was. I stood on my own two feet, with my husband at my side, making one of my dreams come true. It wasn’t an easy process, especially since I was pregnant through all of it, but it was worth it. When we made the decision to sell that house and move 800 miles away, it was tough to let go of that dream, but I knew I was moving toward another dream of mine. And again, no one was going to make it come true for me.

 

Finding yourself is not limited to becoming an adult. I still have to find myself every few years. We change, we shift, we adjust. But at the core is always our beliefs, what we do, and who we are.

How did you find yourself?

 

How do you say no to the one thing you’ve searched for your whole life? 

He never imagined he could feel whole again. When he meets her, she brings a light to his life that disappeared long ago. He’ll do anything to hold on to it, and her. 

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Lessons Learned from My First Love

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Do you remember your first love? The first person you looked at and wondered if you would see him every day for the rest of your life?

Falling in love for the first time is tough. Most of us fall in love more than once. We find someone that teaches us how to love, but that person isn’t always the person we love forever. That honor frequently belongs to another person. Someone we met later in life. But that first love teaches us so much.

The first boy I ever really loved was a friend. He was someone I had fun with. We went to the movies and talked and got to know each other as friends. I had feelings for him, but he wasn’t the kind of guy who dated a lot. When we were in college, he cut all ties to me and all our other friends. We lost touch. It hurt. A lot. But I learned from him.

Be Open to Love

I never told him how I felt. I was scared he would stop being my friend. He was a really nice guy, but we were close enough that he would be honest with me. When I found out he was attracted to me, I realized I missed out on a chance at something that could have changed my life. A part of me regrets it, but I love my life. I wouldn’t have all the things I have if things were different with me and this other guy.

Let Go

When things ended between me and this other guy, it hurt. Bad. Like I said, he cut ties, but all I knew was he stopped talking to me. I was pretty crushed by it. I held on to that pain for a long time. I used it to shield me from other potential dates. When he called me, three years later, a lot of that pain came rushing back in. He explained that he dove into his schoolwork, but it still hurt me. At that point in my life, I wasn’t in a position to welcome him back into my heart. I’d fallen in love with my husband, but talking to him again gave me the option to let go of all the pain I’d carried around for years.

Love Isn’t Always Right

Love is a funny thing. We spend so much of our lives wishing we had it, but when we find it, it doesn’t always last. People fall out of love, sometimes it’s one sided, and maybe it ends. That’s a hard thing to accept, but if love isn’t right, it won’t last. We don’t want to think about love not being right. Maybe it’s not the right time or the right person. Maybe it’s not you, it really is him. But when it is right, you don’t have to question all those things. My first love was someone I still think of fondly, but it we were really meant to be together, we wouldn’t have gone three years without speaking. He wouldn’t have called me when I’d found and fallen for my husband. I don’t regret the choice I made to stay with the man I married. With him, love was right. It was everything.

What lesson did you learn from your first love?

 

How do you say no to the one thing you’ve searched for your whole life? 

She knows what she wants. When he walks in, she’s sure he’s the answer. She just has to convince him of it. 

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