I watched this video on Tuesday and it really made me think about my life. As December ticks past, and 2013, I’ve been reflecting on where I am in my world and where I’m going. A lot has changed in my life over the past 12 months, but I’m not entirely sure all of them were great changes!

  • Twelve months ago I was employed full time. I hated my job. With a passion. In January 2013, I was fired. It took me a long time to admit that to people. I was embarrassed. I hated the job and planned to quit three months later, but they beat me to it. I’ve realized over the last year that getting fired was the push I needed to get out of there because chances are I would have chickened out and stayed because the money was good.
  • Along with that, twelve months ago I was struggling to find time to do what I really wanted to do because of my day job. I would come home every evening frustrated and in a crappy mood. My relationship with my kids and husband was less than great. I still get irritated frequently, but I think it’s better!
  • A year ago we had a house, a credit card left to pay off, and one car. We sold the house in February, paid off the  credit card in March, and bought a new car in April. All of that was in the works before I lost my job, and I’m really happy those things still came true.

But today I sit back and think about where I’ll be in a year. I thought a lot more things would have changed in 2013. We are trying to move to Buffalo, but are stuck in an apartment in South Carolina until we can move. We want to build a new house, but don’t have the money for  a piece of property, let alone the new house I’m dreaming of. We are pulling money out of savings every month to make ends meet instead of living off what we bring in.

These things make me frustrated. I want our life to be exactly as I dream, but I know in many ways, these things don’t matter.

At the end of my life, it won’t matter what house I lived in or where. It won’t matter if I had $250,000 in debt or none (although I’d rather have none). It won’t matter if I worked a job I loved or not.

Or will it?

I love writing. And I’m good at it. If I have to go back to engineering, I won’t survive. Yeah, the money is good, but the job made me feel like I was suffocating every day. I can’t do it. Being in debt was the same way. I was always worried about someone knocking on the door and taking our house to pay our credit cards. And we weren’t ever behind on payments! And as for the house… I had a great house. Truly beautiful. But I hated it because it wasn’t really home. I want to be near family and friends. I want to have people in my life I can count on and enjoy spending time with.

I don’t know if any of this will show up in my obituary or not. But really, I don’t care. What I care about it how I feel and how much I enjoy my life while I’m here. And I’m going to do everything I can for however many days I have left to be happy and to enjoy my life!

Mary