Body Positive

Loving Yourself

January 7, 2020 by Mary

January is always the time of year when the pressure is on to lose weight. Gyms are more crowded than any other month, people sign up for every weight loss program available, and we feel just a little more guilty for eating that extra piece of candy.

But January is just another month.

Maybe it’s because we just got through the holidays, or maybe it’s because so many people set goals that start in January, or maybe it’s because we want to do better, but it all boils down to wanting to change. There’s something we don’t love about ourselves, something that we have decided needs to change, so we make a new commitment to doing something different.

What if instead of changing our bodies we decided to change our minds and love ourselves a little more?

I’ve struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I lost a ton of weight a few years ago, but I gained it all back. I felt better, and I liked the way clothes looked, and I still want to lose the weight again, but more than that, I want to love myself.

The people I love aren’t perfect. I could pick apart little things about everyone I know and love. But I love them, so I don’t. I wish I did that about myself, and that’s one of my goals for 2020. To be kinder to myself, to love myself more, to celebrate the things my body has done for me instead of regretting the things it hasn’t.

Are you with me?

Falling for my sister’s best friend was not my best idea. But she was the kind of woman I couldn’t help but love. Everything about her made me crave more of her. And from the moment I held her in my arms, I knew I’d do whatever it took to make her mine. Even lying to her.

Available now!

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Google Play coming soon

Curvy is Beautiful

August 20, 2019 by Mary

When I got engaged, I was 23 and a size 16. I knew nothing about planning weddings, and social media wasn’t something I was involved in, so my knowledge came from the people I knew.

Which meant dress shopping was kind of like swimsuit shopping with the knowledge that I would be on display in front of hundreds of people who would all definitely be looking at me.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Your wedding day is supposed to be one of the best of your life. If you’ve been married, chances are you’re laughing right now at the memory of all the people, all the stress, and all the things that didn’t go as planned.

The dress is a big deal for every bride. I wanted a dress that made me feel beautiful. But most places don’t have dresses for women in double digit sizes. I went to one place that offered to order me a dress if I liked one of the size 6 or 8’s on the rack. You know, the one the owner held together so I could get an idea of what it would look like.

Um, that doesn’t work.

I was fortunate that I found a dress I loved that fit me perfectly, but I can’t help but think if more places that cater to curvy brides were around then I would have had an easier time. At least five stores, close to 50 dresses, and no fun montage with James Marsden taking my picture. It could have been better.

All of that went into my head when I dreamed up Scarlett. How can you not love a dress designer who creates gowns for those of us with built-in padding? Because it doesn’t matter if your dress is a size 0 or a size 30, you should know you are the most beautiful woman in the room on your wedding day.

Mainland vs. Island is available now!

Excerpt from Mainland vs. Island

I led Scarlett to one of the tables and drew her onto my lap.

“This is better,” I said, kissing her arm.

She shifted on my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck.

“Ooh, even better,” I said with a laugh when I was face-to-nipple with her breast.

“Tilt that face up,” she commanded.

I did and raised an eyebrow at her. “Are you like that in the bedroom?” I teased.

She gasped then smirked. “Maybe one day you’ll find out.”

Curvy is WORTHY

August 6, 2019 by Mary

I screwed up last week. I was looking at the page for Chubby & Charming and read a review.

Before I even tell you about it, I want to say please don’t go looking for this review or this reviewer. This is not an attack on one person, and I don’t want it to be. That’s not what we’re about, what I’m about, or what this post is about. Reviewers are free to share their thoughts, and I hope they continue to do so. Always.

Anyway, so this review said the reader didn’t like that Mandy didn’t feel she was worthy of love simply because she’s fat. I sat with that for a while. It bothered me, because that wasn’t the point of Chubby & Charming. It wasn’t to showcase an insecure woman who wasn’t worthy of love. It was to show that we’re all alike. No matter who you are on the outside, we’re all the same on the inside. We all have doubts and insecurities and fears.

We are all worthy.

This review made me sad, and quite honestly, a little ashamed that I hadn’t made that clear. I sat on it for a while, but I started reading FabUPlus Magazine and was reinvigorated. Beautiful, curvy women fill the magazine, talking about loving their bodies and themselves and being healthy and beautiful and amazing.

I realized I was jealous of the reviewer.

Ouch.

I hate being jealous. Not that it’s an emotion I’m unfamiliar with, but it’s one I don’t like. It makes me feel icky. But that’s what it was. I was jealous that the reviewer had never felt insecure. That she had never known what it was like to look at a person who she saw as attractive and immediately assume she wasn’t good enough. That she didn’t know how painful it was to be less than simply because her dress size was more than.

I try to write stories that are real, and for me, all those feelings are real. Even though I have an amazing husband who constantly tells me I’m beautiful, I look in the mirror and see my flaws. The double chin and chubby cheeks, the belly that hangs down, the bingo arms, the thunder thighs. All those things I’d love to change about my appearance.

At the end of the day, none of those things tell the story of who I am. They don’t tell a stranger if I’m kind or mean, if I’m a wine drinker or beer drinker, if I’m happy or depressed. But too often, we make assumptions based on those things.

I would love to write a story about a curvy woman who has boatloads of confidence and no doubts or fears or insecurities, but I don’t know ANY woman like that. We all have those, and I want my characters to be real. Chubby thighs, flabby belly, and extra rolls included.

If that reviewer ever reads this, I truly hope she knows I’m sorry for making her feel like curvy isn’t worthy. Curvy is worthy. Skinny is worthy. Alive is worthy.

My newest curvy girl romance is out August 20. Scarlett loves making wedding dresses for curvy girls, but she’s not looking to make one for herself. Mack might try to change her mind, though.

Excerpt from Mainland vs. Island

I couldn’t stop my grin. I reached for her as she leaned toward me. We both stopped, a breath apart, and stared at each other.

Fire licked at my veins and demanded I show her just how much of a spark there was between us, but I needed to wait. To draw it out until she was panting with need. Then, and only then, would I close the paper thin distance between us and set the night on fire.

“Mack,” she whispered on a ragged inhale, dragging me to her with the air around us.

The moment our lips touched, I knew I couldn’t stop with one kiss. The surprised gasp that parted her lips said she felt the same.

Moments of Doubt

November 9, 2018 by Mary

I’d like to think we all have moments of doubt. Those times in our lives when we’re really not sure things are going to work out. Days when what you want seems so out of reach that you wonder how you’ll ever get there. Maybe you will, and maybe you won’t, but how do you know when to give up and when to fight with everything you have?

I’ve had a lifelong struggle with losing weight. I know a lot of people who’ve had the same, so chances are you understand this, even if it’s from watching a friend or relative. When I was young, I knew I was bigger than the other girls, but I didn’t realize what this meant until later. I got my period before all my friends, I had boobs before all of them, and I got hit on by older men before all of them. None of those were good things in my young world.

I was a soccer player all through high school, so I was active. I was also the slowest one on the team. And when soccer season was over, I hung up my cleats and picked up a book. I look back now and wonder why I thought I was fat, but in the moment you don’t have that perspective. You compare yourself to everyone around you and most of us find ourselves wanting.

I’m staring down 40 now. Everyone who’s crossed that threshold has told me losing weight is so much harder after hitting that magic number. As of today, I have less than 18 months before I get there. I also have about 100 pounds I’d like to lose in order to be considered healthy for my height.

Here’s the rub… I lost half that. I was 50+ pounds lighter just three years ago. Then cancer happened and steroids and chemo and poor eating habits because when you feel like shit, you eat whatever sounds good, even if it’s grilled cheese for three days straight. I gained back all that weight I lost, and losing it all again is really damn hard.

So I doubt. I wonder if I’ll ever do it. I lost the weight the first time over three years. I don’t have three years until that magic number. Will I be able to lose weight after I turn 40? Will I gain it back if I do lose it? Will I ever make it to the weight I want to be, the weight that means my knees won’t ache when I climb stairs in the winter and my feet won’t protest when I’m on them too long?

I don’t know. I won’t know until I lose the weight and find out. I felt better 50 pounds ago, so even though I have my doubts, I’m ready. I’m ready to tell my doubts to shut the hell up and let me live. I’m going to fight – myself, my crappy eating habits, that Reese’s cup on my desk that’s been staring at me for days. I refuse to give up, because I’m here. I know it isn’t going to be easy, but let’s be honest: nothing is easy. Some things are easier than others, but nothing is easy. I’m ready to tell my doubts to go away and let me have my faith. That’s what I need right now.

Faith.

How do you overcome moments of doubt?

When you doubt yourself, who do you trust?

Why would anyone follow her? She wasn’t the kind of woman who inspired 1000 ships. Hell, she got dumped for being fat. There was no way she actually had a stalker. But he believed her. He never once questioned her. And that was scarier than a stalker.

Available November 13

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